The other night I started thinking about why I say certain things. I haven’t been in Brasil in over 5 years. Yet there are still certain things I say in Portuguese, certain phrases that I just haven’t been able to change back to English yet. Why do I do that? Why did certain phrases stick and others didn’t? What is it about those phrases that I’ve held on to them this whole time? What do they mean to me in Portuguese that they don’t in English? So I thought I’d attempt to answer some of those questions. Here’s a bit of my thought process.

I could swear like a sailor in Portuguese. In fact, I probably did a bit of swearing while I was there. But those words have no meaning to me in Portuguese. They don’t carry the same connotations, weight, and history that swear words in English do. The feelings behind them in Portuguese are so small that they don’t bother me at all. But in English they can make me cringe and feel icky inside. There are theories that say that words will never have as deep a meaning in a different language as they do in your first language because of that lack of history and weight. And that would certainly be true of swear words, and a lot of other words, for me.

So why then do certain Portuguese words mean more to me than their English equivalent?

There are one or two words and phrases that I can’t quite translate into English to my satisfaction. “Saudades” would be one. It means more than home sick because it does not just apply to the home. It is more than just missing someone or some thing or some place. It is a longing for, a desire to be with/near. It rolls all those English words into one, and is just much more economical. The word “mesmo” doesn’t translate hardly at all, it has too many uses. The dictionary says “the same thing, state, circumstances; unaltered state. adj. same, equal, identical. adv. exactly, precisely, even, yet. pron. same, identical, like.” And if you combine it with a few words it means even more. And there are the meanings that the dictionary doesn’t include. It’s a very useful word to know. One way I use it on occasion is when talking about a place. Take the Salt Lake Valley for instance. You can refer to the whole place as Salt Lake. But if you want to refer to the specific city of Salt Lake, you’d say Salt Lake mesmo. That’s probably about the only thing I use it for any more.

The phrase “vocé faz parte da casa” has a deep meaning to me. Literally translated it means “you make part of the house.” But it implies that you are part of the family and always welcome at their home. It is a great honor when someone tells you that you are part of their house. It is an honor I have given to only a few since I came home. But it was an honor that so many extended to me while I was there.

But that doesn’t explain why I’m more inclined to say “boa noite” than I am to say “good night.” So let me think about why I say that. I don’t say it to everyone. Most people get a “good night” instead. Neither one means more to me than the other. Or maybe they don’t. Maybe when I say it in Portuguese I’m letting that person in to a part of me that I hold dear and precious, I’m including them in that part of me. If that is the case though, why is it playful for me to say “te amo” and serious if I were to say “I love you”? They mean the same thing. Following the “good night” reasoning, it should mean more to say it in Portuguese. But it doesn’t.

I guess I don’t know why I say certain things in Portuguese. No one reason would cover all of it. No one reason could apply equally to all the things I say in Portuguese. They don’t all mean more or not translate well. The only thing that would probably cover all of it is that it means I’m comfortable with the person I’m talking with and I want to share that part of me with them in a small way.