Just don’t. It’s awkward.

25 April 2013, 8:27 am by Giggles
Categories: Family, Infertility

Yesterday I wrote about some things to say and not to say to someone you know is dealing with infertility. But what about if you don’t know? Because odds are you don’t. Are there things that are probably better left unsaid regardless of the situation? Oh yes, definitely.

Don’t ask a woman if she is pregnant. Ever. You are indirectly asking about her sex life, and that’s just awkward. A dear, sweet person asked me monthly the first year we were trying if I was pregnant. And always perfectly timed it with my menstrual period too. Talk about twisting the knife. Bill Cosby is known for saying you shouldn’t ask a woman if she is pregnant unless you see a baby coming out of her. Miss Manners takes it a step further and says even then you should only ask if you can get her anything, as in, “Do you need me to call 911 for you?”

The other day I was buying five small items at the store. The cashier stared at my belly and said “Wow! Lots of great deals.” And it was awkward. Yes, my five small items were on sale, but they weren’t in his line of sight at all.

Let women complain about being tired, nauseous, having a headache, craving a doughnut, etc., without jokingly asking if they are pregnant. Maybe they are and they’re keeping it secret for now, and you just made the situation awkward. Maybe they aren’t and the idea terrifies them, and you just made the situation awkward. Maybe they aren’t and they desperately want to be, and you just made the situation awkward. Maybe they just really want a doughnut, and you just made the situation awkward.

Also, don’t assume pregnant women don’t know how they got pregnant. Or make comments about their knowledge of birth control. Again, talking about their sex life makes the situation awkward. Don’t assume they don’t enjoy all their boys and want a girl or all their girls and want a boy. Making comments on the number of children a family has is never appropriate, always awkward. I love what Elder Andersen said about having children.

When to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord. These are sacred decisions—decisions that should be made with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith.
– Elder Neil L. Andersen, “Children,” October 2011 General Conference

Wise words. Notice nosy neighbors do not get to be part of the decision making process.

And with the possibility of secondary infertility (infertility issues after having children, because the reproductive system is constantly changing/aging), just because a family has children does not mean they don’t desperately want more, and don’t desperately love the ones they already have. Saying otherwise is awkward.

In short, unless you are privy to the details of a couple’s reproductive plans, pretty much any comment related to reproduction, and in turn their sex life, is going to be inappropriate, and make the situation awkward.

11 Shared thoughts

Join the Movement: Speak the Silence

24 April 2013, 7:00 am by Giggles
Categories: Health, Infertility

I started the draft for Monday’s post on April 8, 2011. Over two years ago. That is how long we have kept our infertility private. We did not tell our families till right before my first surgery. We did not tell select friends until we were starting IVF. And we kept it off our blogs completely until the Arizona legislature tried to restrict IVF. If the legislature had not done what they did we probably would’ve kept it silent until our baby was here.

What we did is not unusual, it is very common in the infertility community. We kept it quiet on purpose. I particularly did not want my uterus to be an open topic for conversation. I did not want to hear everyone’s advice and comments. Because while I know they would be well meaning, they would not be helpful. And remembering that a hurtful comment is well-meaning is not always the easiest to do.

I did not want to be told to “just relax.” That is one of the most common things people dealing with infertility hear. And it’s complete crap. I heard it often from a well-meaning individual. Stress does not cause infertility. Telling a couple to relax implies they aren’t having kids because they are doing something wrong. Nobody tells a diabetic or a cancer patient to “just relax.” Infertility is a disease. It is classified as a disability. Relaxing will not make it go away. Relaxing helps you deal with the stress of it, but it will not cure it.

I did not want to be told to “just adopt.” There is no “just” about adoption. Adoption is a perfectly valid family-building option, but it is a rough, long road. It involves grieving the loss of possibly having biological children. It involves both parents being completely on board. It involves paperwork and home studies and lawyers and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. And it does not cure infertility. And I especially did not want to hear stories about your cousin’s neighbor’s best friend’s sister who started filling out paperwork for adoption and got pregnant. Adoption paperwork does not cure infertility.

I did not want to hear opinions or advice about treatments. We researched our options. We talked with our doctor. We knew what was out there, what was possible, and what were good options for our case. And we knew what we were physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially able to deal with. We knew our limits.

I did not want to hear about how lucky we were to not have kids, to not have to get up nights with them, to not have to deal with tantrums and illnesses. I did not want to hear about how great it was that we could do what we wanted without worrying about planning around children. I did not want your children (so don’t offer). I wanted our kids. I wanted 2am feedings. I wanted all of it.

I did not want to hear about how lucky we were to lose our son before we got to know him. We celebrated the heck out of his life, brief as it was. We dreamed and planned for his life. And then we grieved and mourned the life he would not have, the life with him we would not have.

And I did not want our infertility to be the topic of every single conversation. Infertility does affect every aspect of my life, but it is not my entire life. During our journey I have also done all the research for, written, and defended my doctoral dissertation. Talk to me about that. We’ve gone on trips. Ask us about those. We continued with our previous interests. Let us talk about them.

What should you say to someone who confides their infertility to you? Because silence, ignoring it, pretending it isn’t happening, can hurt too.

The most helpful thing people have done when they find out about any aspect of our infertility is let us know they care, let us know they love us, let us know we can come to them, and then let us bring it up when we need to. There are days we need to talk about it and on those days we’re grateful for a listening ear. And there are days when the last thing we want to do is talk about it so we’re grateful for the concern with the rest of our lives.

Tell them you support them. One of my favorite responses was when I told a friend we were going to start IVF and she genuinely, enthusiastically replied “Good for you!” No judgements. No comments. No advice. Just genuine excitement for us.

Tell them you don’t know what to say but you are praying for them, they are in your thoughts.

An article in the LA Times recently talked about circles of support. Brett and I, at the center of the circle, have complained and griped and moaned to each other. We have also joked, often inappropriately, about it to each other as well. And that’s our right at the center of the circle. Each of the successive circles outside, as we’ve opened up to people and added more circles, has offered support. We are surrounded by a wonderfully supportive family. Infertility has opened up avenues of connection that had not existed before (the “1 in 8” statistic is not representative of our families, where the statistic is closer to 100%). We have a supportive community of friends, many of whom have dealt with their own issues of infertility and miscarriage, who knew where we were coming from because they’ve been down their own version of that road.

If someone dealing with infertility welcomes you into one of their circles, realize it might not have been easy for them. Ask them what they need. Let them take the lead. Offer support (Resolve has a great page with information for family and friends). And continue to be their friend in every way you were before.

Basic understanding of the disease of infertility
About NIAW

5 Shared thoughts

Holding on together

23 April 2013, 7:31 am by Giggles
Categories: Family, Infertility, Relationships

Infertility is rough. It can cause a real strain on relationships, especially if one person blames the other for the problem. About 30% of infertility is the related to an issue with the man, about 30% of the time it is an issue with the woman, about 20% has no sure source, and the rest is an issue with both people. Knowing that in our case the medical issue is with me, I have had moments where I blamed myself. But Brett has never blamed me. We’ve been in this together. Even without blame, infertility causes a lot of stress. Stress, however does NOT cause infertility (more on that to come).

Some time in 2010 Brett and I started taking regular weekly walks. We have a route around the neighborhood that we go on every Monday night. While we walk, we talk. We talk about our day. We talk about what’s coming up in the week for each of us. And we talk a lot about our infertility.

Brett and I face a lot of problems the way Hermione does – we go to the library. We research. We read. We study. And with two of us now we can double our efforts, we both don’t have to do the same research.

In the last three years I have read and learned a lot about how babies are made (a topic that has interested me since I was a kid, I still remember when my mom brought me home a photo of chromosomes she got somewhere, I was fascinated!). And as we walked I would tell Brett what I learned. I told him about how my hormones were supposed to work. I told him about possible diagnoses and what they meant and then about the tests we were doing and the diagnoses we were getting. He’d ask questions and I’d go do some more research and we’d sort it out in our walks. I’d be willing to bet Brett knows more about the female reproductive system than just about any guy without a medical degree.

We walked and talked. We questioned and learned. We hoped and feared. Walking hand in hand in the twilight we’ve moved forward, together.

A trial that has the potential to come between husband and wife has brought us closer together. When I was literally frozen with grief last February at our second miscarriage, stopped cold in the doorway to our bedroom crying ugly tears, Brett came to me and held me until I could move again.

The stress of infertility has definitely weighed heavy on our shoulders, but we’ve hefted the yoke together. I am beyond lucky to have Brett at my side, through everything.

8 Shared thoughts

When your soul is in my soul’s stead

22 April 2013, 7:25 am by Giggles
Categories: Infertility

The first time I remember infertility in pop culture was on the show Mad About You when Paul and Jamie had a hard time getting pregnant. I cannot remember what their problem ended up being. Then it was on Friends with Chandler and Monica. I remember both of them had a separate issue related to it that made it pretty much impossible for them to have their own. But neither of those story arcs really got at me. And I can’t remember any others.

‘Tis true, the stuff I bring for sale
Is not so brisk a brew as ale:
Out of a stem that scored the hand
I wrung it in a weary land.
But take it: if the smack is sour
The better for the embittered hour;
It will do good to heart and head
When your soul is in my soul’s stead;
And I will friend you, if I may,
In the dark and cloudy day.
(“Terence, This is Stupid Stuff” by A. E. Housman)

The poem “Terence, This is Stupid Stuff” by A. E. Housman was introduced to me during a poetry unit my senior year of high school. It is a poem about poetry, and how you need to start small with poetry and work your way into it. And you need to realize that a lot of poetry often won’t mean much until your soul is where the poet’s soul has been.

In the last two years two more shows I watch (Parenthood and Grey’s Anatomy) have brought issues of infertility into the mix. This time my soul was there in the dark and cloudy day. This clip in particular ripped me apart. I’ve figuratively stood in that elevator (except without the whole friend through a windshield part) and wondered why drug addicts and stupid teenagers could get pregnant and not me. Brett has held me and let me cry many times.

In March of 2011 I added a small awareness ribbon to the footer on this blog. Because that month I sat in a doctor’s office while he told me we had “unexplained infertility.” We both worked just fine, in fact the doctor used words like “excellent” and “phenomenal” to describe our test results. We just weren’t working well together. Even more tests revealed the problem is with me and it’s something that will make having any children, not altogether impossible, but pretty much impossible to do on our own. There will be no “oops” or “we weren’t planning this” or “we thought we were finished” with us. Any child that comes into our family will be because of a lot of deliberate planning.

We’ve learned a whole new vocabulary of acronyms – BBT (basal body temperature), CM/F (cervical mucus/fluid), OPK (ovulation predictor kit), IUI (intra-uterine insemination), IVF (in vitro fertilization), PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis), ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection),  HPT (home pregnancy test), ART (assistive reproductive technology). We’ve learned how to give sub-cutaneous and intra-muscular injections at home (you can learn a lot on youtube). We’ve found more questions behind every answer.

And when our souls were in those dark and cloudy days, there were others whose souls had also been there who befriended us. We joined a community. A strong community made strong by the strength of their trials. An often silent community because of the social taboo that infertility still is. A community we wish we were not a part of. But we are.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). The theme this year is “Join the Movement.” While I sincerely hope as few people as possible need to officially join the infertility community, I hope that what I write and share this week will help both infertile community members and honorary members, those who do not struggle with infertility but want to better support and love their friends who do.

One in eight couples struggles with infertility. If you do not know if any of your friends are struggling with infertility, one of them is most likely suffering with it in silence. Be a soft place for their dark and cloudy days.

7 Shared thoughts

I’m glad I know belly dancing

19 April 2013, 6:57 am by Giggles
Categories: Exercise, Health

Lately Brett and I keep joking that if there’s a small end of a statistic, we’re on it. If 80% of people don’t have problem A, we’ll be among the 20% of people with it. Of course, that’s not true in all cases, because that would just be horrible. But recently whenever something comes up, especially if it has to do with me and a medical condition, I’m pulling the short stick a little too often.

Currently I’m dealing with SPD – symphysis pubis dysfunction (1 in 4 women get it, lucky me!). My pelvis is falling apart. In particular the left side has moved way out of alignment with the right.

It means that once or twice a week I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like a large hairy monster is trying to rip my left leg off, and is partially succeeding. I’ve felt like I’ve had a pulled left groin for probably three months now.

And my sciatic nerves are all upset about the whole thing, severely limiting the amount of walking I can do and absolutely eliminating any running.

The only comfortable places I can find to sit are our couch (which is comfortable no matter what condition you are in) and my exercise ball. Luckily the exercise ball is portable so I can get up and do things in other places in the house.

But all this means is that I’m in physical therapy. Again. I’ve done physical therapy for ankles, knees, back, shoulder, neck, and even my hip once before. One of the things I’ve noticed the many times I’ve done physical therapy though is how much of what they ask me to do in physical therapy is just like what I do when I’m belly dancing. The physical therapist calls them clocks when I circle my hips. In belly dancing they are called full moons and half moons. It’s the exact same thing.

Belly dancing has proved very useful in my life. In multiple situations.

4 Shared thoughts

I will not fear my dreams

17 April 2013, 7:17 am by Giggles
Categories: Education, Exercise, Life, Musings

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined.
– Henry David Thoreau

Monday I wrote a post about how some day I will run the Boston Marathon. I finished and published the post and then went to link to it from Twitter. That’s when I discovered I had published my post just minutes after two bombs went off at the finish line for the Boston Marathon.

In a comment on that post Brett’s mom asked me if the Boston Marathon was still on my life list.

Yes.

Most definitely.

I will not let terrorists make me afraid of my dreams.

I can think of a lot of dreams I have gone after that involved a level of fear of some kind. Leaving home for college the first time. Flying to Brasil for my mission (had a panic/anxiety attack on the plane). Walking into both an elementary classroom and a college classroom for the first time as a teacher. Moving to continue my education to a state where I only knew one person (and it was a rather complicated relationship at that point). Completing the oral exams for my degree. Pursuing parenthood. Even stepping up to the starting line of my first marathon in 1997.

But I did all those things.

I have never let fear keep me from my dreams, no matter the source of that fear. I’m not going to start now. Fear from inside me has not stopped me, I refuse to let fear from the outside stop me. I refuse to let terrorists limit the fulness of my life. They don’t get to win.

7 Shared thoughts

Running the Boston Marathon

15 April 2013, 11:58 am by Giggles
Categories: Exercise, Happy Things

Today is the Boston Marathon. Running Boston is something that is on my list of things to do in life, but obviously I’m not crossing it off today. Today I’ll barely make it walking around the block at a nice leisurely pace. But I will get that walk around the block in.

I miss running. That’s probably the hardest thing on me right now. When I’m running regularly I get time with my thoughts to sort them out. When I’m running regularly I sleep better. My body functions better. I enjoy pushing my body to go a little further or go a little faster, or just enjoying the fact that my body moves. I love watching the neighborhood go through its yearly cycles as I run past trees and birds, yards and kids. I feel like I’ve accomplished something when I’ve gone for a run that day. I end up right back where I started but I’ve gone somewhere.

Running has always been part of my life. My mom recently sent me my very first running suit – a red and white sweat suit with the word “Princess” on the back that my dad got me for our runs together.

Running Princess

Running goes back further than I remember. And I’m really looking forward to getting back to it again in a few months, introducing my own little one to that thrilling feeling of the wind against your face.

5 Shared thoughts