The first year that I lived in my apartment, I did not have a car. That meant that everything I did, everywhere I went, had to be within reasonable walking distance (which changed depending on how I felt that day) or accessible by bus. I did my grocery shopping every week, if not more often, at the grocery store that was less than half a mile from my house. And I would only buy what would fit in an empty backpack so that I could get it all home.

When I bought a car, all that changed. I could suddenly go to whatever store I wanted and buy as much as I wanted. I have a pretty good store of food now too. Last year at this time the only thing I went to the store for was milk and bread for about two or three months.

Because of the convenience of being able to buy a lot of other things I did not need and because the prices were generally less, I did a lot of my shopping at Wal-Mart. It was also on the way home from work, even on the right side of the street, so I stopped in a lot.

Recently, however, I have had many frustrating and irritating experiences with customer service at Wal-Mart. Prices are still low and there are still a lot of things that I don’t need there, but I’ve had real good experiences going back to the local grocery store.

The cashiers are much more friendly at the local grocery store. They talk to me and we joke while they are taking my money. It is a friendly interaction rather than a business transaction. It feels brighter there, and there is a specific person just to bag my groceries and put the bags in my cart again. Even more – I have a choice between paper and plastic. I haven’t had that choice for so long I wasn’t sure if it was a choice any more. I like getting paper sacks again.

My school is very big on recycling. Just about every school I’ve seen has one paper recycling dumpster at their school. My school has two dumpsters that get emptied each week. During the annual recycling contest, they both have to be emptied practically every day. I don’t throw away any paper any more, it all gets recycled. And until now I’ve had to store it in the occasional cardboard box I was able to find, or I’d put it in a plastic sack until it was full, but then I’d have to empty the sack and not put it in the dumpster. So as silly as it may sound, I’m excited that I now have paper sacks that I can put my recycling in.

I still buy a lot of things that I don’t need. I’ve discovered that by the time I’m on my way home from class at night that doughnuts are 4 for a $1 so they can get rid of all the ones that were made that day and get fresh ones for the next day. It isn’t on the right side of the street as I’m driving home, but I’m still stopping and getting a doughnut or two, or twelve, on my way home. I remember when I got my driver’s license going to the grocery store with my brother and we would buy a doughnut and a pint of milk.

Wal-Mart is open at every hour of every day. And at 10pm on Sunday when I’m feeling real sick and need some Pepto-Bismol, it’s nice to know there is a place I can go to get that. But when I’m at the store at that time of night, just buying that, and I’m dressed in my pjs and looking almost as sick as I feel, it feels very fake when the cashier asks me how I’m doing. I would think it would be obvious. But I like stores that are closed on Sunday. I’m glad that the fabric store I work at on Saturdays is closed on Sunday. They tried being open on Sundays a year or so ago for a few months, and nobody shopped there so they closed on Sunday again. I like that. And the neighborhood grocery store is open 24/6. They close for the whole 24 hours of Sunday. And I think I should support stores that do that.

So while it may cost a bit more, I think I will be doing the majority of my food shopping at the nearby grocery store.

I ended up on the freeway tonight, driving north. It was dark. I had just over a half of a tank of gas. And because of the mood I was in, I was sorely tempted to see just what was that far away, to just drive. I thought I might go out about a quarter of a tank and turn around. But then I realized I didn’t want to turn around. I didn’t want to come back. I wanted to just go. I have had in my signature since August “One day I’m not coming home.” Tonight almost felt like it might be that night.

But why tonight?

Last week a group of friends needing to escape for a night out came to my house. I went out and rented “Akeelah and the Bee” for us to watch and enjoy. While I was looking for movies, I also happened to grab “Proof,” which I remember seeing previews for and thinking it looked interesting, but like so many other movies, I’d never gotten around to seeing it. The movies were due back tonight and I still hadn’t watched “Proof,” so I popped it in to watch it before taking it back.

The movie is based on a Pulitzer Prize-winning play, one I’m sure would completely overwhelm me if I ever saw it in person. It’s the story of Catherine, the daughter of Robert, a math genius who developed schizophrenia about the time he was her age. Catherine has inherited his knack for math, and is seeking proof that she hasn’t also inherited his psychological tendencies. One of his former doctoral students, Hal, is also seeking proof, proof that Robert did something amazing in his lucid moments at the end of his life, proof that he himself is not a complete wash in the world of mathematics. Underneath all of that is search for proof of trust, proof of love, proof that your life matters. And I related far too much to all of that.

I have sat curled up in an old sweatshirt on the couch too late at night afraid that I’m going crazy, that depression is going to get the better of me and that I’ll lose whole days. I’ve made myself sick trying to prove that I’m good at what I do for a living. I’ve reached out almost desperately at times for proof that I can trust others with the most intimate parts of me. And I’ve had people in my life who doubted each and every one of those things about me, just as Catherine’s sister so expertly personifies. There were times I wanted to put my hands through the TV screen and hit her or grab her and shake her. Doubt is a very effective villain.

And with all of that swimming around in my head and my heart tonight, I just needed to drive. I needed to mindlessly go somewhere so that my brain would stop going in circles. City driving doesn’t cut it. It was going to have to be the interstates. But I have responsibilities to keep me here, for now. But one of these days, I just might not come home.